I found the man I could not imagine living one day without. How lucky am I? I know many people that struggle to find a person that makes them complete. Being 25 and finding that person is a blessing, and I am forever grateful.
Hub Hub and I got married a few months back in May. I wish I was able to say it was perfect, but I can't. I have issues I have been trying to deal with for a few years now, and it seems the older I get, the more intense they are. I have been dealing with severe depression and was actually paritally hospitalized last year. By January of this year I was on my way, or so I thought. My Nana who lived with me and my family all our lives got really sick, and before we knew it, she was gone. I am losing it as I type this.
Death is not something I deal with very well. Not many people do. I just can't grasp the idea of having someone in your life one minute, and the next is gone. How is that suppose to work? I wish I could be one of those individuals who find comfort in "knowing they are in a better place". But how the hell do they know? I guess there is a lot of strength from believing. Like I said, I wish I had that.
So as you can imagine losing someone right before you have your wedding is not something that is easy to get past. There is also a lot of baggage that goes into Nana, and losing her. I doubt I will ever fully explain that, but trust me when I say complicated isn't even close to describing it. Postponing the wedding was discussed many times, and as a family we all agreed that we thought it would be helpful for all of us to have something positive to look forward to. Sometimes we are so dumb.
Please keep in mind that I had just gotten out of the hospital for severe depression, and had not had much time to get back into life when this all happened. As you can imagine I was not holding together quite well. I was on a whole bunch of new medications, which is not easy by itself. It can really alter every little thing. I was not myself. I felt overmedicated, but yet still very depressed. What happened to the happy Bride feeling? Ya, I never got to feel that. Each day was a new YoYo. I was never in a consistent mood. I changed daily, if not hourly.
I felt so bad for Hub Hub, and wanted him to run away from me. He didn't, he stuck by me... I told you I got lucky.
May came, and went. The wedding was nothing like I wanted. I get really upset knowing that it wasn't as good as we deserved. I was still too medicated to fully feel anything. I was still not me. Imagine getting married to the most amazing man, with your family surrounding you, feeling like someone else, like you didn't belong. It breaks my heart. I will never get to have that Bride feeling.
I don't want our wedding day to be 'the happiest day of our lives', but I still wanted to be there. I wanted to feel how amazing it is to commit yourself to the man you adore. To feel your family being so happy and thrilled to be a part of it. I was completely out in left field.
I have turned into Bridezilla after the fact. I hate hearing about people getting married. It is selfish, I am aware. I like myself less for it. But I am ok with that. All these other people get to be there for there own wedding day... and I wasn't. So yes, all bride's to be... I hate you. I am jealous. And I couldn't be happier for you.
Hub Hub and I got married a few months back in May. I wish I was able to say it was perfect, but I can't. I have issues I have been trying to deal with for a few years now, and it seems the older I get, the more intense they are. I have been dealing with severe depression and was actually paritally hospitalized last year. By January of this year I was on my way, or so I thought. My Nana who lived with me and my family all our lives got really sick, and before we knew it, she was gone. I am losing it as I type this.
Death is not something I deal with very well. Not many people do. I just can't grasp the idea of having someone in your life one minute, and the next is gone. How is that suppose to work? I wish I could be one of those individuals who find comfort in "knowing they are in a better place". But how the hell do they know? I guess there is a lot of strength from believing. Like I said, I wish I had that.
So as you can imagine losing someone right before you have your wedding is not something that is easy to get past. There is also a lot of baggage that goes into Nana, and losing her. I doubt I will ever fully explain that, but trust me when I say complicated isn't even close to describing it. Postponing the wedding was discussed many times, and as a family we all agreed that we thought it would be helpful for all of us to have something positive to look forward to. Sometimes we are so dumb.
Please keep in mind that I had just gotten out of the hospital for severe depression, and had not had much time to get back into life when this all happened. As you can imagine I was not holding together quite well. I was on a whole bunch of new medications, which is not easy by itself. It can really alter every little thing. I was not myself. I felt overmedicated, but yet still very depressed. What happened to the happy Bride feeling? Ya, I never got to feel that. Each day was a new YoYo. I was never in a consistent mood. I changed daily, if not hourly.
I felt so bad for Hub Hub, and wanted him to run away from me. He didn't, he stuck by me... I told you I got lucky.
May came, and went. The wedding was nothing like I wanted. I get really upset knowing that it wasn't as good as we deserved. I was still too medicated to fully feel anything. I was still not me. Imagine getting married to the most amazing man, with your family surrounding you, feeling like someone else, like you didn't belong. It breaks my heart. I will never get to have that Bride feeling.
I don't want our wedding day to be 'the happiest day of our lives', but I still wanted to be there. I wanted to feel how amazing it is to commit yourself to the man you adore. To feel your family being so happy and thrilled to be a part of it. I was completely out in left field.
I have turned into Bridezilla after the fact. I hate hearing about people getting married. It is selfish, I am aware. I like myself less for it. But I am ok with that. All these other people get to be there for there own wedding day... and I wasn't. So yes, all bride's to be... I hate you. I am jealous. And I couldn't be happier for you.
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