Thou shall love thy neighbor

It never lasts very long. You can pretty much decipher how long it might last. First you hear the footsteps, then the mattress. But not right away. Almost as if someone might need a little convincing. Hell, if it's always going to be that quick, I might need convincing too. Before you really have a chance to notice what they are doing it's over. Bada bing, bada boom. Literally.

The first time I heard the upstairs having play time, I immediately felt violated, and irritated. I don't want to hear your squeaky bed. Hello people wd-40. The condo we just moved from left absolutely nothing for the imagination in regards to our neighbors. but rather than hanky panky, we heard domestic disputes. And honestly, the fighting was always more entertaining, and lasted a hell of lot longer. Don't get me wrong, I am not by any means saying I get a kick out of anyone taking a beating or being abused in any form, however these particular neighbors were the true definition of white trash. I think they had previously graduated from 24 hour binge drinking to I-want-to-be-in-a-coma drug use. They were disturbed, and the fights, which involved throwing things, and neurotic hollering while walking through their house as if they tied 40lb weights around their ankles, were just hilarious.

The majority of the drama was about losing her keys. The first time, before I knew better, I felt bad, I actually sympathized. Losing keys is just as bad as losing your wallet, or a finger. No one wants that.

Silly me.

This woman lost her friggin keys at least 50 times in the year and a half we lived there. now not every time it was her fault. She was convinced that there is a conspiracy that either her husband and or landlord is involved in. I guess I would rather hear that crazy story than she needs protection from the little trolls she believes are stealing her marbles in the middle of the night.

The most horrid thing that could ever take place is having to partake in a conversation with her. Let me paint you a picture. Imagine being tied down in the most uncomfortable position while having someone chew gum in one ear, while the other ear is being attacked by the emergency broadcast test, all while being tickled in the worst way without being aloud to laugh. Does this sound like fun to you? Ya me neither. Being able to stand there and not fall to my knees laughing at the tales of the lost keys and secret missions to destroy her sanity amazes me.



This woman says the most absurd crap I have ever heard. And her favorite habit is to repeat herself until you want to rip your hair out, strand by strand. Having the most atrocious poker face in the world does not help my cause. People can read how I am feeling quite easily, and I can't lie for shit. Can you please imagine what my facial expression might look like while having to defend myself against her torture. Think of Carrot Top constipated. Something like that.

mental note: Get neighbors upstairs wd-40 cans, and a kama sutra book, that shit is sad.