And everything inbetween

I wake up feeling angry, I go to bed feeling defeated.

My life is not, in comparison to most, awful. Hub Hub and I are both employed (knock on wood), have (for the most part) loving families, no huge financial crisis's, decent health, and have each other. Compared to some, my life could even be considered perfect. I know this. Which in the end makes it that much worse for me, because I feel guilty. This "depression" is kicking my ass, and it has been for the last 2 years. And I couldn't be more over it than I am right now.

Depression isn't just being "sad" and is as easy as brushing my shoulders off, I understand. But the emotional roller coasters, and twists and turns are exhausting. I am tired of hearing myself think, which means I can only imagine how I must be coming across to others. There are people out there who have real reasons for being this low. My life isn't perfect, but it isn't justifying the depth of the depression either.

At the beginning of the big hit (when I was hospitalized) I could communicate, and explain where certain feelings, or emotions were coming from. Whether it was the medication, or it was me, or something that happened that triggered another emotion to come out and play. Right now, at this point, I feel like when I open my mouth to try and ask for help, or reach out and explain why I am becoming this black hole, only a bad taste comes out. My communication skills have completely shut down, and that scares the shit out of me.

There were two people I could always speak to, two people I could always ask for help, two people I know would understand when I explained the fireworks that go off in my head. Now, I am alone with thoughts I can't even unscramble. Honestly I don't even know where to begin.