Am I just screwed?

I never really thought very highly of myself. Not the prettiest girl, not the smartest, not the funniest, not the coolest, nothing really made me stand out in a good way. I thought the only thing I had for myself, I hate to admit it, is my sexuality. I have to admit it, I've been a tease, as long as I could remember. I am not by any means stating I was a hussy, who gave it away like banks give away lollipops to kids. I developed earlier than all the other girls in school, and I used that to my advantage as long as I possibly could. And it worked. Obviously not for the right reasons, but what the hell did I know. Well I know now, and I wish I could go back. Nothing makes me unique, I'm short... ok, so are a lot of people. I have curly hair... there are a lot of girls with prettier curls than mine. I am blunt... ya but I still hold a lot more in than I should.

I could keep going.. and going. Lets save us both some time and headaches. My point is, we all feel a need to stand out for something, be recognized, be appreciated, be important. We go through life trying to find that one person, or that group of amazing friends that look at us as the one and only, irreplaceable us. I never found that group, if anything I got replaced one too many times. I miss having a group more than I like to admit. I miss having that connection. I got lucky with my Hub Hub, he adores me, and I him.

However I feel like I can't have a connections without anyone that isn't sexual.

Let me explain.

Other than when we have sex, I feel like we aren't connecting. we just kind float by each other, going through our day by day routine, until we are able to share in those precious moments. Other than that, I don't feel much.

If I feel us drifting apart, I make sure we are intimate that night, as if that fixes the connection.

I obviously don't sleep with friends, which is why I have such a hard time truly connecting with them. I feel like it is impossible to have a regular relationship with anyone. I like to think this has alot to do with the medication I am on, but what if this is me.

I can't strike up a conversation. I can't seem to connect. I start doubting anything I even think about saying, going through my mind trying to script something amazing to say, that makes them know they can't imagine going through their life without me as their friend. That's a lot of pressure.
So I guess the reason I can only connect with Hub Hub is because there really isn't a whole lot of pressure when we are intimate. We fit together quite well in that department. What does that mean for our marriage? How do I get us connected again? We haven't had time for ourselves since the move, I realize that plays a big part in it, but not the main reason. I am trying desperately to come up with some kind of logical explanation for this, logical doesn't' seem to work with me.

Am I just screwed? I miss having people in my life, I miss enjoying them, I miss them enjoying me. I miss having someone want me in their life, not someone who doesn't have a choice since we are family. I miss having faith in me. I miss the days where I didn't doubt everything I did, or stopped myself from doing. I have closed the doors on so many opportunities, they could have been amazing.